Taking my cue from Peter

My relationship with God is a mystery to me. Not surprising, since God is mystery. I forget Him, I reject Him sometimes, I make decisions contrary to how He would, but He remains faithful. Unbelievable.

But this "unbelievability" sometimes pushes me to not believe in myself, that I am worth His fidelity.

However, I see a ray of hope, thanks to Peter: apostle. Fisherman turned fisher of men (and women). Hardworking. Passionate, implusive at times. Tends to be a show-off. Has a violent streak. Could be easily disillusioned. (I could relate in more ways than one.)

Peter wanted to walk on water but doubted and asked that the Lord save him; Jesus did. Peter, with inspiration from above, professed Jesus as the Christ, but later was rebuked for adamantly objecting against the "necessary" suffering of the Messiah. Peter promised he would be with Jesus until the end, but ended denying Him thrice and leaving Him in the cold at Calvary. Peter, already knowing the Lord is risen, went back to his old ways of fishing, but the Risen Jesus met him where he was and even helped him rekindle his love.

I have sometimes wondered if I have truly been evangelized, if indeed the Good News has taken root in me and is transforming my life, because of the many times--in my choices, in my words and actions, and in my inactions--that I have given in to doubt, that I have insisted on my own ways rather than God's, that I have broken my promises, that I have gone back to my "old ways". And here I recall Peter's life, his stories, his moments with Jesus.

And then I am inspired anew; I decide to never give up. Not so much by Peter's experiences, but by how patiently, lovingly, faithfully, Jesus accompanied him, continued to trust in him, and gave him the grace when he humbly asked for it.

Conversion is not simply a one-time, big-time event. Yes, it is helpful and significant that I can recall a pivotal moment in my life when in a very concrete way I have received God's love and I have responded back to Him in love as my fundamental option. But everyday, in the ordinary cycle of life, there Jesus continues to ask, fervently asks, "Do you love me more than these?"

Like Peter, despite waltzing with infidelity, I pray I never refuse, I never give up on this love.